Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Pollyanna Can Take her Banana and Shove It

Hmmmm.  So one good thing about today is I found yet another pair of elastic waisted pants that I forgot I had.  This means I am quite close to having a pair for every day of the week!  And not that I am opposed to wearing my plain old sweat pants for several days in a row but I have pants that I feel I can leave the house in without it looking like a shit myself.  Bonus!

This is even better right now as I've been bloated for approximately three days straight.  Nothing makes a gal feel sexier.

Stacey and Clinton would have a hey day with me.  They like to dress "Moms on the Go" in cute jeans, jackets, accessories, and heels.  That's not errand running dress for me.  That's a night out.  I kind of hate jeans.  Probably because I'm an 'apple'.

I fucking hate those fruit comparisons and the whole hourglass thing.  Probably because I'm a fruit and not an hourglass.  When Stacey and Clinton can find me a pair of jeans that don't make me feel like I'm physically being cut in half or resemble a sausage/muffin topped nightmare, then I'll frolic in said jeans.  Which again, apple?  Who the fuck decided that.  Or pear?  Maybe they thought it was flattering.  Maybe they had a penis.  Wait, I'm almost sure whoever came up with those definitions was a man.

I'm pretty cranky.   Surprised?  I know.  It's so atypical of me.

This post has now officially taken me two days to write.  Welcome to Day Two.  I'm even more bloated than I was yesterday and am starving.  Despite having eating three solid meals today and one snack.  STARVING.  Why isn't there any candy in this house?  Or fucking cookies?  I'll tell you why.  The children.  I bought cookies yesterday and they are GONE.  Yes, I had two for breakfast and roughly six last night but I WANT MORE.  RIGHT NOW.

Or some candy.  Chewy sweet sugary candy.  And chocolate.  Like a Snickers bar or maybe a Skor or some fucking.  peanut.  butter.  cups.

What do I have?  Should I focus on that?  I know there's at least one Pollyanna out there who's read in SHAPE or SELF or something equally inane that to satisfy a craving for something sweet, I should eat a banana.   I have a few other ideas for what you can do with that banana.  All I've got are oranges, apples and granola bars.   And popcorn.  But right now I am not interested in salt.  Or crunch.  Just a cheap sugar high.   I want to nod off on some fructose, sucrose, corn syrup-y goodness.

And I want to do so while watching something other than Teletoon or Sportsnet. 

And since we're playing this game I also want to be effortlessly thin.  I want to go from ho-hum to stunning in five minutes with minimal effort.  And no, a 'quick slick of lipstick and coat of mascara' will not do this for me as Cosmo, Glamour, etc etc etc, would have you believe.  Lipstick and mascara will simply upgrade my look from haggard to tired.

Fuck it.

I'm going to the store.