Thursday, August 4, 2011


I make a lot of references to Mother Nature in this blog and nothing is going to change today.  I think she is wasteful and redundant.  I am done having children.  There is absolutely no need for my body to continue to produce any sort of lining for the purpose of embryo attachment.

Nothing will attach. 

Ever again.

My husband had a vasectomy.  We have FOUR children.  I'm out.  Yet, month after month, Mother Nature puts my body through its paces "just in case".  For the record I am aware Mother Nature is not a real person and that this is simple biology but for the love of God, I'm tired of it.

I was a raging lunatic yesterday.  I preferred not to speak to anyone, was exhausted, hungry and crampy.  However, there are five other people living in this house so it is necessary I speak to them.  Though I'm pretty sure that by the end of the day none of them wanted to talk to me either.

My husband has a broken bone spur in or on his ankle.  I'm not a doctor.  Point being he is confined to the first floor of our home, the couch or the patio where he smokes.  Yesterday I wished for my own broken bone spur to not have to really move.  I wished I hadn't quit smoking because smoking is great when angry, bitchy, hungry, happy, sad, stressed, drunk, etc.

All of our bedrooms are located on the second floor. My husband wisely chose not to navigate the stairs so said his good nights to the little boys here in the living room.  I sent them up to brush their teeth and said I would follow shortly to tuck them in.  Which I did and then returned to my computer to do some work.

We were getting set to watch Big Brother (not a good idea to watch while PMSing because reality TV should never cause that much hate) and I said I would just use the bathroom and then be ready to go.  As I got up from my chair, Ryan, my husband, helpfully added in what seemed to me, an almost mocking/accusatory but cheerful tone, that I needed to go say good night to the boys as well.

I swear to God I took a page straight out of the exorcist and mimicked an owl all at the very same time.  I slowly turned to look at him (my head may have made a full rotation, it's all a blur now) and said slowly and evenly, "Again? Because I already did that".  He sort of laughed and said,"Oh, you did?"  I just looked at him and carried on my way.

As I started up the stairs I heard my 17 year old son say something to my husband and they both quietly chuckled but nothing further was said upon my return.

They knew better.

As did I.  The rage that filled me upon, number one, his suggestion that I do something I already had done, and two, that he failed to notice me walk past him the first time and go up and then come back down the stairs, was unjustifiable.  I honestly think the temperature in the room dropped by a few degrees when I responded to what I viewed as the most idiotic thing ever said by any person any time EVER.

Normally, when not shedding any lining, I would have laughed it off and made fun of him for having his "penis in his eyes".  This is a fun little expression we have come up with to describe every males, at least in this house, inability to see something in plain sight when looking for it or otherwise.

Last night, he's lucky I didn't cut his penis off.

This is not okay.  I will never understand this biological feature that creates temporary Multiple Personality Disorder.  I can cope with the physical discomfort.  It's annoying but makes sense.  Me turning into Kathy Bates from Misery?  Seems excessive.

For those of you wondering if my husband is okay, he's fine.  He likely wouldn't mind having a word or two with Mother Nature himself, if for no other reason than personal safety.