Growl

To begin with, I have to wonder why the FedEx ad on this blog is en francais? My blog is not in french. Weird.

Okay, so be forewarned, I am cran-ky. I am about to say mean things about my family. It's not going to be pretty. Further to that, I'm going to blame it entirely on hormones and lack of sleep due to said hormones...

Got a laptop for Mother's Day.  If you follow me at all you may know this.  You may also then know I was over the moon about it.  Today the thrill died a little. Want to know why?

I went back to work yesterday after a lovely week off. I was away from work but spent a good deal of my 'holiday' doing laundry and housework in various forms. Then Sunday rolled around and being Mother's Day I didn't do an-y-thing as I believe that's what I'm entitled to on Mother's Day.

At about noon my husband took cards and a gift to his mother for Mother's Day. You know, cards I picked out and a gift I picked out.  But whatever, he went to visit her and this is fine.  Then just before 1 he brought home our three year old, whom he'd taken with him, and let fall asleep in the truck, to nap.  Well, said three year old did not nap.  He did watch a movie for awhile which allowed me a chance to doze off until Ryan phoned me at 2.  To say "I love you" you ask?  No, to ask what kind of fucking food to get for the dog. We've had the dog for six fucking years.  I don't know, get him a goddamn fruit tray and nachos for all I care.

Bottom line is, I had a 13 hour day yesterday complete with meeting a real life Barbie who looked at me as though I was Roseanne Barr live and in person.  She was 5'11" and dressed well, wearing heels, and is currently on 'the salmon diet' so she can get back down to 144 lbs. She's probably tipping the scales at a solid 148 right now.  Me too. Salmon and 'greens' are my favourite. And I'm definitely in and around the 145 mark.  Plus __.  I dare you to fill in the blank, fuckers.

So get home last night and fashion myself an afghan out of the dog hair covering the floor.  Just really enjoy the calvacade of clean and dirty dishes in the kitchen. Hey, did you guys do this just for me because I bet those darn pets got in on it and there's some vomit somewhere.  You shouldn't have.

Today I'm back in the office in the midst of several shitstorms and went home at lunch to conduct dog hair removal and general tidying that the dog could probably accomplish if had thumbs and an adequate diet.

In the midst of this blog my husband called me, unaware, and commented it's not like he doesn't do anything.  No sir, you do something all right.  In fact he'd dig up and replant the lawn of any one of his family members if they asked.  Or friend. He will go to the ends of the earth to help others.  I'm not knocking this, it's a great quality, but maybe, just maybe, Sir, let the helping begin at home.

And kids, look out, Mama's on the warpath and you little fockers are on the verge of losing your cell phones.

At this point, only the little boys and non-verbal members of my home are safe. Should you be concerned feel free to come get them.

I am going to eat the ass out of some salmon and greens tonight.

 

Rx: Fudgee-Os and Double-Stuffed Oreos

Yes boys and girls that dreaded time is upon me (and my household) once again.  I am a cranky bloated girl.  Luckily I am also enjoying a week off from work so the irritability level is ever so slightly down a notch.  Slightly.

Mostly I just want to lay on the couch in a caftan and stuff my face.  Then nap. With not being at work I have had serious naps the last two afternoons.  My poor six year old has not yet figured that mommy+movie in the afternoon= nap.  Or at the very least to keep a blanket away from me. Once I have the blanket I'm done.

Another bonus experience of being off work for this oh so joyful time of womanhood is I have worn sweatpants everyday this week. Earlier in the week I made the effort to wear jeans if I left the house.  Today, when I went to purchase said cookies, I not only wore my sweats but my hoodie which was covered in cat and dog hair from the couch and blanket at nap time.  Hot.

But I'm feeling somewhat satiated although more bloated as I just inhaled two Fudgee-Os, one Oreo and a glass of milk.  Some of you are scoffing right now as three cookies is really child's play.  What you may not have noted is the time.  It's not even 7 p.m. yet.  Silly children.  I will work my way through the rest of those cookies through the evening and probably partake of whatever's left for breakfast.

And then, just maybe, I'll twirl in slow motion...

If you don't get the twirling reference there is an awesome Kotex commercial out there right now...Google it and enjoy!